


Waiting For The Skies To Clear

by BambiRex



Category: Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018), Queen (Band)
Genre: F/F, Friends to Lovers, Mentions of Abortion, Mutual Pining, Pregnancy, Slight Hurt/Comfort, Unplanned Pregnancy, Vomiting, and they both need help, fem!queen, king!au, mentions of depression, so many fucking feelings, they are both idiots
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-15
Updated: 2020-02-15
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:06:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22735318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BambiRex/pseuds/BambiRex
Summary: Regina didn’t know how long she has been sitting on the bathroom floor, head pressed against the toilet and a very much positive pregnancy test hanging limply from her clammy hand, and honestly, she didn’t even care. She didn’t need to think too much about it; even withouth big, long calculations and an entire philosophy lesson, she knew exactly that her life was definitely over from now on.
Relationships: Brian May/Roger Taylor
Comments: 4
Kudos: 29





	Waiting For The Skies To Clear

**Author's Note:**

> This is literally 10k words of two assholes pining for each other. I hope you like it, and if you do, drop me a comment! :))

The two blue lines on the stick stared up at her mockingly, suddenly seeming so neon bright Regina had to squeeze her eyes shut before they blinded her. If she pressed on her temples hard enough –which she did, she had been pressing and kneading at them ever since she came into the bathroom to see whether her life was about to go down the drain or not- she could see them vibrating, doing a teasing little dance in front of her exhausted eyes, laughing at her misery. She could practically hear a silly little song, about how she royally, epically fucked up now, and how everything will be over from this moment: her budding career, the dreams she so precariously built, having nurtured them since she was only a little kid with big, curious eyes and a spark of rebellion in her tiny body will be shattered into a million pieces, and all that would be left is just dust, and some more dust, choking her until she wouldn’t be able to breathe anymore. 

Her head was spinning and the whole bathroom with it, her stomach churning violently, doing a perfect double backflip in her abdomen, and she was scared she was going to get sick again. She slid off the toilet seat, turning to face the toilet and dropping onto her knees, bowing over and pulling her hair back. Regina had developed quite the skills on how to do that without anyone’s aid, be it the product of long nights spent partying and then resulting in a miserable morning after, or the fact that she had been visiting the toilet quite regularly in the past few weeks. She thought it was just a stomach bug at first.

Man, how she wished it was only a stomach bug.

Regina retched, dry and miserable, but nothing came out. Her stomach seized again, but it was more likely the product of her working herself into an anxious frenzy, rather than…no, Regina didn’t want to say the word out lout, didn’t even want to think about it. She wanted to forget that she even knew what this word meant, wanted to wipe it out of her mental vocabulary, and maybe from every physical vocabulary as well, wanting it gone, as if not knowing the word to describe it would change anything, would change the fact that she was…

She pressed her forehead against the rim of the toilet, the cool, smooth surface a true solace and anchor for her throbbing, overheated head. She wanted to stop thinking. She wanted her screaming brain to finally shut up, to go completely blackout and leaving nothing behind, just blessed silence. But the problem is, she would have had to think now more than she ever did before, more than when she was preparing for a difficult exam, more than when she was trying to figure out a complicated drum sequence for their next song. She would need all her brainpower to try and figure something out, and it was horrible, because thinking about her future was about the last thing she wanted to do right now.

Regina didn’t know how long she has been sitting on the bathroom floor, head pressed against the toilet and a very much positive pregnancy test hanging limply from her clammy hand, and honestly, she didn’t even care. She didn’t need to think too much about it; even withouth big, long calculations and an entire philosophy lesson, she knew exactly that her life was definitely over from now on. She could just die on that bathroom floor from malnutrition for all she cared.

Though her stomach was a bloody traitor, because it just wouldn’t let her starve to death. After cramping and screaming at her for weeks, she was suddenly hit by a wave of almost ravenous hunger, and her stomach rumbled loudly, loud and demanding. Such a stupid little thing, vomiting everything back for the past few weeks and making it almost impossible for Regina to eat anything, and now it was all prissy and hungry.

’’Make up your mind.” Regina grumbled, lightly poking herself in the stomach. This movement just reminded her of her demise, and she froze, fingers shaking against her stomach. She stared down at her pyjama top, biting her lip until she felt the metallic taste of blood on her tongue, and then she pulled it up.

The idea of being pregnant was such a ridiculous concept to her: she never wanted to get pregnant, not when their band was just beginning to rise to the top, not when they had enough money so they could finally afford to have separate flats, not when they were slowly but surely settling into the lives of rockstars, not when everything was going so well. She didn’t even know who the father was. Probably some dude she met on a night out to scratch an itch, and look how she ended up. She wished she never tried to scratch certain itches at all. Then she wouldn’t be knocked up all alone, grieving the life she could live now that the band was thriving so well. 

It crossed her mind, of course, that she might be pregnant. She wasn’t always careful. And she got sick a lot, especially in the mornings, she was throwing up and her energy levels ran suspiciously low. But she always tried to brush it off, push the very idea right to the back of her mind and bury it under everything else. She didn’t dare to check if her belly had grown. She had no idea how far along she was. The symptoms had been going on for quite a few weeks now. Regina desperately tried to remember back on her studies in biology, trying to squeeze her brain to conjure up images and graphs she saw in textbooks, about when the signs should show up after concieving, about how long would you had to be pregnant for a bump to develop, but it was just annoying white noise, as if she never learned anything in her damn life. The only thing her brain was filled with was desperation.

She carefully pressed her palm against her stomach, so slowly and cautiously as if it would burn her skin. It was still flat, thank god. Getting fat on top of everything else would have just been peachy. Though her panicked mind could easily visualize it, she could practically see her now flat belly suddenly expanding in front of her eyes, and her stomach churned again. Now she managed to throw up in midst of an impending panic attack, but some water was the only thing that came back up.

Regina was exhausted, like she had just run an entire marathon, and it was still early in the morning. She couldn’t sleep, her throughts running a mile a minute, constantly drifting onto the pregnancy tests she had bought the day before. So she, Regina Taylor of all people who hated nothing more than to get up early, scrambled out of bed at 5:30 in the morning and shuffled out to her bathroom.

She should take the rest of the tests. Maybe this was just a false alarm. She suddenly perked up with a newfound wave of hope: maybe it wasn’t true. Maybe the test just malfunctioned.

She grabbed her water bottle and took a large swig, feeling some of the tension leave her body. God, she was so stupid. She’s panicking immediately, and she hadn’t even checked the rest of the tests! It was as if a switch just got flipped in her brain, she suddenly felt much more giddy. She had a good feeling about this; it’s gonna be okay, she was freaking out over nothing. She will take the other tests, and they will be negative, and she could go back for some much deserved rest.

Regina took all of them eventually, all six of them in the end.

All of them were positive.

The phone rang three times before it was picked up, a very sleepy, very grumpy voice speaking on the other end of the line:

’’Hello?”

Regina felt tears well in her eyes. She didn’t know what has gotten into her, but just hearing the voice of her best friend was enough to tip her over. She wasn’t much of a crier, not really, but maybe no one should judge her now. She all the reasons in the world to cry. A part of her brain wanted to be alone, wanted to curl up in her misery with a tub of ice-cream and sob into her softest blanket, but the other part was desperate for company, for a shoulder to lean on, to attentive ears listening to her desperate cry for help; to someone she could share this burden with, someone who could offer advice. Preferably someone who had a much more rational way of thinking that she did, someone that could calmly assess the situation from the outside without raging emotions clouding their judgement. She needed her best friend, she needed Brianna so desperately it made her tear up.

’’I need you.” Her voice was broken, barely above a whisper, and she wasn’t even sure Brianna heard her over the phone, but she couldn’t speak any louder. It would only result in more crying, or screaming, even.

’’Brianna…”

There was some silence on the other end of the phone, and Regina thought Brianna either fell back asleep –she wasn’t exactly a big fan of waking up early, especially to msyterious phone calls, mind her- or didn’t hear her clearly and waited for her to repeat what she said. But then, that soft, warm voice spoke again, making Regina’s heart swell inside her chest with happiness and gratitude:

’’I’ll be there in ten minutes.”

Brianna was pretty sure she was driving well over the speed limit, but that was the last thing she could care about right now. Her stomach was cramped up into a tiny ball of anxiety as Regina’s broken, desperate voice kept repeating itself in her ears. She has never heard Regina sound like that. She was quite dramatic, and she could freak out over the smallest of things, but it wasn’t like that now. She truly sounded miserable. Something really terrible must have happened to beat the ever so cheerful drummer down so much, and Brianna really hated the alternatives she could come up with. She hated anything that might hurt Regina and cause her sadness. If Regina was sad, Brianna was twice as gloomy. If Regina was happy, Brianna was practically floating on cloud nine. She simply couldn’t bear the thought of anything bad happening to Regina. Seeing that beautiful smile leaving her angelic face was a great tragedy according to Brianna. She wanted to see Regina happy all the time, wanted her to be healthy and thriving, wanted to keep her out of harm’s way, no matter the cost. If Brianna had to cut off her arm to make sure Regina was happy, she would, without a heartbeat. She would do anything to help her and make sure she was okay. And she wanted nothing in return. Of course, she would be the happiest woman that ever walked this Earth if Regina could see her as she saw her, as maybe more than a friend, but Brianna was okay with her platonic love, as long as it was there. She would rather have Regina as just a friend for the rest of eternity then lose her completely. It was not worth sacrificing their strong friendship for Brianna’s own foolish feelings. Those, she could handle somehow, even if it hurt a little. But not seeing Regina again, or getting iced out by her? That she wouldn’t survive, that was for sure.

Her car came to a screeching halt in front of Regina’s house. She jumped out and slammed the door shut, running the few meters that separated the front door and the pavement she parked her car at. She was aware of her disheveled state, hair a right mess, her T-shirt wrinkled, wearing her rattiest pair of old jeans; she didn’t really have the time to think of a decent outfit. Regina needed her, and she had to be here as quickly as possible. She didn’t even care that it was still relatively early in the morning; all sleepiness was long forgotten when she heard Regina’s voice, pleading for her.

Brianna pressed on the doorbell, bouncing on her legs in anticipation. She truly was expecting the worst: why on Earth would Regina be so miserable otherwise? She shook her head, as if to clear them from ugly thoughts of Regina being sick or something like that. No, she didn’t want to think about that, she couldn’t. 

The door opened to reveal the most ragged looking Regina she has ever seen, and Brianna immediately felt her heart break for her. Her hair was tangled and disheveled, her eyes and red puffy as if she had been crying for a long time now, cheeks awfully pale, that adorable rosiness that always suffosed them now nowhere to be seen. She was still in her pyjamas, barefoot, and she looked so much smaller and weaker than she actually was. Brianna reacted on sheer autopilot, sweeping her up in her arms and holding her close before saying anything, arms wrapped around her securely.

Regina hid her face in her chest, and Brianna could feel her body trembling against hers, twitching with choked up sobs as she cried into her shirts. Her own arms were clutching at her back, nearly tearing the material of her shirt with how hard she was pulling on it; it was if she was scared Brianna would leave, and she wanted to pull her as close as possible, wanted to keep her close and never let go again. But Brianna would never do that to her: she would never, ever leave her, and she even said so.

’’I’m here.” She kept repeating, though she doubted Regina even heard her through her own sobs. ’’I’m here now, I’m not going anywhere.”

Regina mumbled something, but it was muffled against her shirt. Brianna gently carded her fingers through her hair, wincing when her fingers hooked into a few tangled up locks. She tried to push Regina away slightly, only so she could look into her eyes, but the blonde just held on tighter, refusing to let go.

’’I can’t hear what you’re saying like that.” Brianna said softly, rubbing comforting circles onto her back. ’’I’m not leaving, Regina. I’m here, I’m here with you, okay?”

Regina’s sobs soon quieted into little snifles. Brianna could feel that her shirt was drenched in tears and snot, just making its already quite ragged state worse, but she didn’t have it in her to whine about it. She had much more important things to deal with here.

Regina pulled back a little, eventually, though her hands were still fisted in Brianna’s shirt. The sight of her face, tear-soaked and so, so sad was absolutely heartbreaking, and Brianna’s heart clenched painfully inside her chest. She brought up a hand to wipe a few tears off with her thumb, making Regina lean into her touch like a cat. On other days, it would have been awfully cute: right now, it was obviously a cry for help, and desperation for some human contact amongst her pain.

’’It’s over.” Regina whispered, lower lip wobbling as she tried to keep herself from breaking down again. She barely dared to look at Brianna, into those warm hazel eyes: she would surely start sobbing again if she did.

’’What is over?” Brianna asked gently, stroking her cheek. Regina let out a shuddering breath.

’’Everything.”

That was sort of a vague, but also a really ominous answer, and Brianna felt cold dread settle into the pit of her stomach. Everything? Everything, how? What the hell could have happened? This was scary, the feeling of not knowing for sure, just seeing someone so strong and brave be so vulnerable and crumble in front of her very eyes, shrivelling up like a dying flower.

’’I don’t understand.” Brianna said. She was suddenly aware they were still standing in the doorway, she she gently pushed Regina further inside so she could close it behind them, leaving the rest of the early world outside.

Regina suddenly looked like she was about to get sick, her cheeks growing even paler, but the it thankfully crossed, and sighed deeply, the sound rippling up from her chest.

’’I fucked up.” Regina said, a bitter little tone lingering in her voice. Brianna was starting to get fed up with her friend speaking in riddled instead of telling her truth, but she wasn’t going to let it show. Regina needed help, and care, not someone to push her and be impatient with her. Not to mention, it might be extremely hard for her to talk about whatever it was that upset her so much. Still, Brianna was feeling like she was going to explode soon if Regina doesn’t tell her.

She was about to open her mouth and ask what she meant, but Regina beat her to it, taking the biggest breath so far before she said that sentence, the sentence that nearly knocked Brianna off her feet right there in the hallway:

’’I’m pregnant.”

Shit. That made a lot of sense. Brianna stared at her, jaw dropped, her brain whirring like a particularly loud and annoying machine. She thought back on the times Regina vomited before coming to the studio, the times she was exhausted and drained and snappy, and it all clicked. She wasn’t getting sick like she thought. Those were the symptoms of an early pregnancy.

’’How long?”

This wasn’t what she wanted to say. She wanted to say that she is right here, that she would support Regina no matter what happens from now on, that she could still count on her like she always had. But she was so dumbfounded, her brain turning into a pile of mush, that this was the only thing she could offer right off the bat.

Regina shook her head, worrying her lower lip between her teeth. It was such a bad habit, Brianna wanted to pull her lip out from under her teeth, keeping it safe from further abuse. But well, considering what Regina has told her, she had all the right in the world to chew on her lips as much as she wanted.

’’I don’t know.” Regina replied, voice a little less shaky, like it has finally sunken in to her. But her eyes were still heartbreakingly sad.

’’I only took the test this morning.”

Brianna let out a breath she didn’t even realize she had been holding inside up until this point, her eyes drifting to Regina’s stomach unconsciously.

’’Do you know who the father is?” She asked after some time of pulling herself together, looking up at Regina’s face again.

’’No.” Regina said, wrapping her arms around herself as if she was cold. She looked up at Brianna again with pleading eyes, like her friend would know just the right answers to any questions she ever had.

’’Brianna, I don’t know what to do.”

Neither did Brianna. She didn’t expect to be called over her and get told her best friend was pregnant and then expecting her to solve the issue for her. Brianna had absolutely no idea what to do either. Was it even really her place to decide in the matter?

’’Well…” She croaked, scratching the back of her neck awkwardly. Regina was staring at her expectantly, and Brianna felt awful for not being able to come up with a solution right this second.

’’Do you…do you wanna keep it?”

That was probably the most focal point, there is. That is what Regina had to decide, first and foremost. The blonde huffed softly, staring at the floor instead of her friend.

’’No. I don’t think so. I mean…”

Her hand drifted towards her stomach for a second before dropping against her side again, balling up into a fist, nails digging into her palm until it hurt.

’’The band…fuck, Brianna, we’ve been doing so well! I can’t ruin it all by having a fucking baby!”

Brianna examined her face closely, could see the signs of another breakdown. She reached out to cup her cheeks again, thumbs brushing over her cheekbones comfortingly.

’’I understand.” She did. She really did. She was just as aware that having a kid right now probably wasn’t the greatest idea. And she knew how much Regina loved music. Playing the drums was her life: if she couldn’t do that anymore, she would just be like plants without the Sun, shrivelling up and fading away. She earned her energy from playing in their band: what would happen to her if that was taken away from her? How do you take the Sun away from the green, how do you take the water away from those who seek it out? How do you take a life away like that?

Regina looked uncertain. Her voice sounded determined, like she had made up her mind already, but her eyes were unsure, glued to the floor, lips getting bloody from how hard she kept biting at them. Maybe she wasn’t really sure: it probably wasn’t a decision someone could make just like that, in the span of a few hours. Or, at least that’s what Brianna guessed: she had never been in this situation before, thank God.

Regina made a little sound, somewhat akin to a snort, like she was laughing at herself in her misery.

’’I hate being so helpless.” Regina said, finally looking up again. ’’You know, it feels like everything has changed. Like I, myself had changed. As if I’m a completely different person now. And, I think…I think whatever I do, whether I keep it or not, everything would be different. Because if I keep it, then my life is absolutely over. I won’t be able to drum in King anymore, and I would have to take care of a kid. A kid, Brianna. I don’t even know how to take care of a fucking cactus. But if I…if I don’t keep it, then I’d have to live with that. That I…I killed someone.”

’’It’s not like that.” Brianna cut her off gently, taking her hand in hers and squeezing them. ’’You shouldn’t be forced to go through a whole pregnancy and throw everything else away if you don’t want that. It is your body, Regina. And if you decide you don’t want this baby, then I’ll fully support you. I would never judge you, you know that.”

She resisted the urge to kiss Regina’s knuckles. They were touchy-feely at most, the whole band was, but surely that would be a little too much. And Regina didn’t a lover, she needed a friend, and Brianna was going to respect that.

’’And if you decide that maybe you would want to keep it,” Brianna continued, ’’then I’ll be there for you then too. I’ll help with whatever you need.”

Regina let out another shaky breath before pressing her forehead against Brianna’s chest, relaxing somewhat when her arms wrapped around her again.

’’What would I do without you?” She whispered, and Brianna chuckled, allowing herself to kiss the top of her head. Maybe that wasn’t too much.

She tightened her arms around Regina, keeping her as close as possible. She was about to say something, to keep promising Regina could count on her, but she was rudely interrupted by Regina’s stomach, that still hadn’t been filled despite growling for hours.

Brianna laughed softly, and Regina whined.

’’Right, I forgot to eat breakfast. And I dragged you all over here, and you probably didn’t eat anything either.” Regina pulled back, ready to shuffle into he kitchenette.

’’I could make us something quick.”

Brianna gently grabbed her wrist, stopping her movement. ’’You know what, why don’t we go out a little? We could eat pancakes at that place you love so much. And then, if you’re up for it, we could spend a day together. Just the two of us. So you wouldn’t have to be alone now.”

That sounded pretty tempting, Regina had to admit. They had a day off, didn’t have to go to the studio, and she would have just spent it in front of the tv and eating comfort food anyways. She would have probably went out, but considering the result of the six pregnancy tests she took, that part would have been erased, and watching tv would have been her whole plan instead. Quite depressing.

Spending the whole day with Brianna sounded lovely. She loved her, more than anyone else. If there was someone she would gladly spend a whole day with, it was her.

’’Okay.” She said eventually, giving Brianna a small smile that made the brunette’s face light up so much, Regina was nearly dizzy with it.

’’Let me actually dress up, and then we can leave.”

*

Regina did realize she was hungry, but it truly hit her when took the first bite of her blueberry pancake. Suddenly it felt like she had been starving for long weeks, and a little moan escaped her lips before she could stop herself.

Brianna chuckled softly, reaching over the table to pat her hand.

’’That good?”

Regina gave her the finger and mumbled some kind of insult, but it was muffled around the large chunk of pancake she was happily munching on. It was good, of course it was, but right now, she was so hungry she could eat a bucket of bricks.

Brianna wasn’t too hungry, so she mostly just pushed her own pancake around her plate and watching Regina instead, smiling when she saw that rosiness slowly return to her cheek. Not eating for several hours could have been another reason for her pale comlexion; it was good to see her enjoying herself.

’’You know,” Regina said after finally swallowing, ’’I’m convinced this place has the best pancakes.”

Brianna laughed, taking a bite off her own. ’’Oh?”

’’Why, you don’t agree with me?” Regina raised an accusing eyebrow at her, but the effect was somewhat ruined by her bulging cheeks.

’’I’ve been coming here for years, and I’ve never had a bad one.”

This was the place she had her first breakfast at when she moved to Kensington, exhausted and hungry as a wolf, and maybe she was just biased because of the lovely memory, but she kept coming back here afterwards, and she was always satisfied. 

’’You have been chewing my ear for weeks that I should come and try it.” Brianna laughed, pointing at Regina with her plastic fork.

’’Remember that?”

Regina laughed, eyes glinting in the dim light of the pancake bar. Of course she remembered. Soon after she joined their band called Smile, her first mission was to get Brianna and their former singer and bassist, Tamara to accompany her to her favorite place, singing praises about the different kinds of filling, the rich butter, the absolutely orgy of flavors, and eventually they agreed.

’’You had that one with the cherry jam.” Regina said, seeing it front of her eyes so clearly: Brianna’s eyes widening as the taste exploded on her tongue. It was almost comical how she started scarfing down her pancakes, barely breathing in between bites. Regina had surely never seen Brianna so enthusiastic about food before, and she couldn’t stop grinning proudly. She did tell them the pancakes here were fantastic, didn’t she?

Brianna let out a soft little ’oof’, licking her lips at the memory. She could practically taste it right now, despite having a peanut butter pancake this time.

’’God, it was so amazing. You were so smug about being right.”

Regina grinned into her milk. ’’Of course. And just so you know, I’m always right.”

Brianna rolled her eyes, but there was a fond smile playing on her lips. She certainly didn’t feel like arguing with Regina right now. God knows she needed to have her little victorious moments.

Regina plowed through her pancakes in record time, leaning back in her chair with a satisfied sigh. She didn’t even think it through when her hand came up to rub her stuffed stomach; she only realized what she was doing when Brianna’s eyes fixated on her belly, blushing slightly.

Regina’s cheeks grew pink too, and she pulled her hand back. ’’I almost forgot pancake is not the only thing in here.”

Brianna hated how that bitter tone crept back into her voice. She would do anything to make it go away again.

’’Hey.” She said softly, reaching across the table to hold Regina’s hand. ’’It’s gonna be okay. I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but I know it is. We’ll make it work somehow.”

Regina laughed softly, lacing her fingers together with Brianna’s, absentmindedly running her fingertip over a piece of calloused skin, the effect of the strings on her guitar.

’’Look how the ever pessimistic Brianna May is telling me to cheer up. We switched roles, huh?”

Brianna chuckled, playfully sticking her tongue out at her. ’’I’m just trying to make sure you don’t get too lost in your head, dummy. You know that I have some experience with it.”

Regina nodded, her eyes softening. Right. Brianna and her bouts of depressive episodes. If anyone, she would surely know how to help someone whose thoughts were taking a turn for the darker.

’’And I’m grateful, actually.” Regina said softly, looking down at their intertwined hands. Brianna’s hand was much bigger, her fingers were much longer, almost completely engulfing Regina’s. They were calloused and bony, but the skin was still somehow soft and warm, a grounding presence against the thoughts floating around in her mind.

Brianna squeezed her hand just a little tighter, thumb rubbing over the back of her hand soothingly.

’’I told you I’m here to help.”

Regina nodded, lips curling into a smile before she looked out the window, basking in the sunshine. The weather was absolutely gorgeous that day; it would be a shame to spend it inside.

She looked back at Brianna who blushed and caught her eyes away, as if she had been staring. For some reason, it made Regina’s heart flutter.

’’Can we go down to the lake?” She asked softly, and now she was the one to absentmindedly stroke Brianna’s hand.

’’It’s so warm outside.”

Brianna nodded, smiling. ’’Of course.”

Her eyes were glimmering, soft, beautiful hazel eyes that Regina found herself getting lost so many times against her better judgement. She had to blink a couple times before she was able to speak again.

’’Thanks.”

They paid and tipped the waitress before they got up from the table, heading out to the next destination of their day.

*

The water of the lake was sparkling in the early March sunshine, and Regina could practically feel the tension melt out of her tense body as she turned her face upwards, basking in the warm rays of the Sun above them.

She was a beautiful sight, Brianna mused as she watched her. The sunshine reflected off her blonde hair, making it appear golden, and if Brianna ever doubted the existence of angels, she definitely believed in them now.

She watched the curve of her forehead, her long, thick lashes that fluttered to filter out the light and keep it away from her sensitive eyes; her small button nose that looked so damn kissable- god, the amount of times Brianna had fantasized of just dropping a kiss onto the tip of that cute nose, or rubbing their noses together. She watched her plump, pink lips, slightly parted as she breathed softly, watcher her pearly white teeth appear as she chewed on them once again before pulling back, letting herself relaxed. The muscles in her arms were a little tense as she held herself on her elbow, resting most of her weight on it. Her skin was light, even lighter now that winter just barely ended and she didn’t have enough sunshine to tan her skin, cheeks suffused in a soft, peachy pink color, and Brianna was convinced she was the most beautiful woman she had ever laid her eyes on.

But then again, she was sure of that the moment they met. She remembered it so clearly, like it happened only a few days ago when that pretty little blonde walked in to audition for their band, head held high and an almost smug smirk playing on her lips. Regina looked like an angel, but her personality was fiery: she was wild, and often ran head first into things withouth thinking them through. She was loud and sometimes quite obnoxious, moody and prissy and with a bad temper. She trashed so many drum kits, Brianna had lost count. But she had a heart of gold, that much was obvious from the first day they spent together: she was caring and warm and honest. She was one of the very few people that managed to pull Brianna out of her own darkness when the weight of the world pressed too hard down on her shoulders. If Brianna had to compare their relationship to something, as cliche as it sounded, she would still go with the Sun and Moon comparison. Both so different, and yet so familar. Brianna needed Regina’s sunshine, needed her loud personality and her humor, needed the warmth radiating off her. She could bask in Regina like how Regina was basking in the actual Sun right now. And Regina needed Brianna’s grounding presence, her cold, gloomy breeze to keep her on the ground. Regina would float off like a balloon into the sky, but Brianna was there to hold her back and in the present. Brianna would collapse within her own numbness if Regina didn’t warm her and kept her safe. They both needed each other, and Brianna truly never loved anyone the way she loved Regina.

’’How are you feeling?”

She snapped out of her thoughts, blinking at Regina in surprise. The blonde still had her eyes closed, face turned towards the sky, so she couldn’t possibly see Brianna’s face right now. The fact, that amongst everything that was going on with her, she still cared more about how Brianna was feeling made the brunette’s heart skip a few beats against her better judgement. 

’’What do you mean?” She asked, leaning back on the blanket Brianna always had in her car and what they laid down on the grass, looking up at Regina curiously.

Regina smiled softly, though she was still floating in her own bliss from the sunshine, not bothering to open her eyes.

’’I can hear you thinking. Overthinking, perhaps. That’s a better word for it.”

Brianna chuckled. Regina knew her way too well, in a way no one should, because it was too much, too close, and Brianna’s heart ached knowing that Regina would never feel the same way.

’’I was just thinking about us.” Brianna admitted, her cheeks pinkening softly. Regina arched an eyebrow, but she still didn’t open her eyes.

’’About us, how?”

Brianna hummed, laying back fully, folding her arms beneath her head as a pillow. Her scrunched her nose up as the Sun tickled her face, nearly blinding her with how hard it shone. It truly was a beautiful day.

’’We’re so different.” Brianna said, watching a tiny cloud float away in the gentle breeze of the wind. ’’Yet we’re so alike.”

Regina chuckled softly before she laid back too, finally opening her eyes. They were bluer than the actual sky above them, and Brianna’s throat went dry.

’’You’re in a philosophical mood, then. Did my pregnancy do that to you?”

At least Regina managed to make herself say it out loud now, though her nose twitched, like it always did when she was talking or thinking about something unpleasant, like she could smell it.

’’Maybe.” Brianna said, turning her head to the side to look at Regina. ’’Maybe I was thinking about how far we’ve come. I remember the first day we met.”

Regina’s lips curled into a smile as she turned her head too, looking deeply into Brianna’s eyes.

’’So do I. I was more scared than I wanted to admit.”

’’You didn’t seem scared.”

’’Oh, I know.” Regina laughed, brushing a stray piece of hair out of her face.

’’I tried to look cool, but I nearly shat myself. You seemed so cool.”

Brianna blushed softly, and she gently bopped Regina on the nose, causing her to giggle.

’’No, I didn’t.”

Regina laughed a little louder, her eyes crinkling. ’’No, you didn’t. You tried to straighten your hair and my god, it didn’t work. But still, you were oozing confidence somehow. You looked awkward, and yet, somehow I knew you’re a better musician than anyone else in that room.”

’’I don’t think I’m a better musician than you.” Brianna mused. ’’You really are a great drummer.”

Regina snorted softly. Her hand flew to her stomach again, and this time, it stayed there for a few seconds before she pulled it back again.

’’Do you think I could play the drums while pregnant? Would I even be able to reach over?”

’’I haven’t really thought about this.” Brianna admitted, looking at Regina’s stomach. It was hard to imagine her swollen and heavy with a child, that was for sure.

She looked back at Regina’s face, and saw a strange emotion cross her features before it dissipated again like it hasn’t been there before, but Brianna did catch it. She looked like she softened a bit, like she was thinking and perhaps romanticising.

’’Why?” She asked, examining her face. ’’Did you change your mind? About keeping it?”

Regina drew in a sharp breath, blinking rapidly. For a few seconds, Brianna was afraid she might start crying again, ready to comfort her if that happened, but Regina didn’t cry this time.

’’No.” She said, frowning a bit at the thought. ’’I don’t think I should. I just imagined myself, that’s all.”

Brianna waited for her to say something else, to elaborate, but Regina stayed silent, a stubborn set to her jaw as she gritted her teeth. Her eyes looked a little stormy, her relaxed, calm state gone, and Brianna felt like slapping herself across the face for being so stupid. She brought Regina out here so she could stop thinking about her situation, and now she was asking stupid questions and making her tense up. Attagirl, May.

’’I’m sorry.” Brianna said softly, reaching for Regina’s hand and squeezing it. Regina looked at her, surprise and confusion written all over her features.

’’What are you sorry for?”

’’I should just leave this topic alone. That’s why we’re spending this day together, so you could turn your mind off a little bit. And now I made everything about this again.”

’’I was the one who brought it up.” Regina reminded her softly, squeezing her hand back.

’’And I actually do have to think about it. There’s a baby inside me, Brianna. I can’t stop thinking about it. I don’t think I could. It’s not like a zit on your chin that you can just cover with some foundation and then call it a day.”

Brianna nodded, suddenly finding her own nails much more interesting, scared to meet Regina’s said eyes: it would just break her heart all over again.

She felt a warm hand on her cheek, and she looked up again. Regina’s eyes were sad, yes, but there was a new emotion there, something Brianna couldn’t quite place just yet.

’’I’m really grateful that you’re here with me.” Regina said, giving her a small smile that Brianna couldn’t help but reciprocate.

’’Obviously, I can’t stop thinking about it, but…but at least I don’t have to think about it alone.”

’’Of course.” Brianna said, and she was aware how sappy she sounded, but she didn’t mind, not when Regina’s smile was so bright and open.

’’I told you; I’m…”

’’Here for me.” Regina finished it for her, grinning. ’’Yeah, yeah. I know. And thank you, seriously.”

Her eyes were so soft, so open and vulnerable as she gazed into Brianna’s, and it made her heart rate speed up. She didn’t know what she had done to deserve such a magnificent creature like Regina around her, how she earned to be on the receiving end of that look, and on that trust. Because this was it: Regina trusted her the most, opened her heart and mind up to her on a silver platter, even though she used to bury her feelings deep inside. Brianna had to nag her so much to open up, to talk about it instead of bottling it up, but now she was here, bare for her in every way except for the literal meaning of the word, and Brianna’s heart soared inside her chest just thinking about the fact that Regina managed to open up to her, and her only, trusting her to come and hear her out, trusting her to help and take care of her like Regina did it for her so many times when the darkness was too thick in Brianna’s mind.

She so desperately wanted to kiss her, show her just how much she mattered to Brianna, sealing her promise of keeping Regina safe with her lips against hers, but it wasn’t allowed. That’s not why Regina trusted her. That would just be taking advantage of her vulnerability- taking advantage of a pregnant woman, god!- and Brianna would rather die than to give Regina a reason to not trust her anymore. Never being able to be loved by Regina the same way Brianna loved her hurt, it was a searing white pain inside her very core, hot and molten, but as long as she at least got a semblance of Regina’s love in any way, she was happy.

’’Wanna feed the ducks?” She asked, brushing her own stupidity aside so che could actually focus on the moment, and with that, on Regina.

The blonde’s eyes lit up with an almost child-like excitement, and she immediately rolled onto her back, sitting up.

Brianna got up too, wiping some grass off her back and butt before reaching her hand out for Regina to take. The blonde looked up at, frowning.

’’You know, I’m in the early stages of pregnancy, I should be able to get up on my own.”

Her voice was bitter, and Brianna’s heart dropped. Fuck. Here she was swearing she would never hurt Regina, and then she keeps doing that, asking her whether she wanted an abortion or not, and now she managed to deeply offend her. Why the hell does she have to be such an awkard idiot!?

Regina saw her grim expression and she started laughing, nearly wheezing with it.

’’I’m just pulling your leg.”

Brianna scoffed, shaking her head in disbelief. ’’This is not funny. I seriously thought I offended you.”

’’Me? Getting offended because someone wants to spoil me? Think about it again.” Regina snickered, grabbing onto Brianna’s extended hand and letting herself be gently pulled onto her feet.

’’Thanks.” She said softly, giving Brianna’s hand a little squeeze before letting her go. Brianna gathered the blanket up from the grass, shaking it to get rid of the worst of the dirt and grass before rolling it up expertly, clutching it under her arm as they made their way towards the little booth where they could buy some food for the ducks. Brianna paid quickly, grinning as Regina greedily grabbed the little bag and pranced towards the lake with big, happy steps.

’’Try not to slip into it, asshole.” Brianna called after her lovingly, laughing when Regina gave her the finger. ’’I don’t feel like swimming today, and I’m pretty sure it’s still cold as hell.”

’’Stop whining, and come feed the ducks with me.” Regina called back over her shoulder, and Brianna chuckled, easily catching up and falling into step with her.

The ducks here were pretty used to the people around here, so they were absolutely comfortable waddling out of the shallow water, quacking happily when they noticed the paper bag in Regina’s hands.

’’Aren’t you a cute bunch?” Regina cooed, crouching down and reaching into the bag, scooping up a handful of the mix and throwing at the ground before them. The ducks swarmed the little spot, immediately munching.

’’They are very lovely.” Brianna agreed, crouching down next to Regina. The blonde grinned, giving her a little pat on the shoulder.

’’I bet you want to take them all home.”

’’Am I that predictable?” Brianna laughed, watching as Regina fed the ducks again. 

’’They are adorable, but I’m pretty sure they’d prefer their natural space.”

Regina nodded, a little ’aww’ leaving her lips when the tiniest and fluffiest little duckling waddled up to her.

’’Hey, little baby.” Regina cooed, extending her hand with the mix in her palm.

’’Are you hungry?”

The duckling watched her curiously for a while before taking a very careful step forward. Brianna didn’t even dare breathing, to make sure the duckling won’t get scared and run away.

The duckling suddenly surged forward, grabbing as much food from Regina’s hand as possible withouth coming into too much contact with her, and then immediately ran back into the water. Regina seemed to be melting at the sight.

’’This was so adorable.” Brianna cooed, and Regina grinned, staring almost longingly after the little duckling. Brianna watched with wide eyes as Regina brought a hand up to her stomach again, and stroked it. Maybe it was just some kind of instinct, but Brianna was awestruck all the same.

Then Regina’s belly grumbled loudly, scaring the ducks back into the water.

’’Fuck.” Regina groaned, pulling her hand away again. She laughed softly as she watched the ducks tripping over each other to get as far away from the growling monster that was Regina’s belly as possible.

Tears gathered in Brianna’s eyes from laughing so hard as she got up to her feet, helping Regina up too. Thankfully, Regina didn’t prank her this time and just let herself be pulled to her feet right away without stupid jokes.

’’I want a hot-dog.” Regina announced, eyeing the little boott longingly. There were a few food strands around the lake, and the hot-dogs had tickled her fancy from the moment they got here.

Brianna gave her a mock salute, making Regina lightly punch her on the arm before they walked over there to order. Brianna instantly offered her own sausage to Regina too, much happier with her own bun filled with vegetables and sauces. Regina was equally pumped, the cause of her happiness being her buns nearly bursting with two sausages, an armada of condiments and extra cheese.

’’I wasn’t able to keep anything down for weeks, and now I feel like I could eat five more of this.” Regina moaned around a mouthful of sausage.

’’Maybe it’s the pregnancy cravings starting to hit.”

Her voice sounded a little lighter now –it could easily just be the fact that everyone was usually much more happy with a belly full- but Brianna was glad to see that that gloom expression was gone, and the bitter tone wasn’t lingering in her voice now when she mentioned her pregnancy. Maybe she finally got to the stage of acceptance.

’’I could buy you five more, if you want.” Brianna promised, and Regina waved her off, causing Brianna to laugh when she saw that her hands were covered in ketchup.

’’I’m not gonna let you spend any more money on me. Besides, I want to enjoy being slim until I can.”

Until I can.

Brianna raised an eyebrow. Regina seemed so determined about this baby ruining her life and her career, and that she didn’t want to keep it, but the way she was talking and acting right now spoke very different volumes. Brianna decided to write it off as pregnancy hormones for now.

’’What do you want to do next?” She asked, chuckling at the sight of Regina trying to stuff a huge chunk of the bun into her mouth.

’’No one is going to take it away from you, slow down before you choke.”

Regina growled at her before she swalloed, giving her an uninmpressed look.

’’You’ve been all soft with me, why are you suddenly such an asshole?”

Brianna laughed at her fake offended tone (now it was at least obvious she wasn’t truly mad), and wrapped an arm around her lovingly.

’’Maybe I just love teasing you too much.”

Regina rolled her eyes, but grinned. ’’Alright then, Miss Teaser. I think I want to go for a car ride. Just driving around. Let’s not go anywhere. Just drive up and down on the road. Can we do that?”

Her voice was so excited, and her eyes were so hopeful, Brianna would have never been able to deny her anything. 

’’Sounds good to me. But we gotta refill the tank. And wipe your face and hands, you’re not getting into my car like that.”

Regina snickered, but she offered the handwipes Brianna precariously took from the booth and made her look a little more decent before walking back to the car.

*

Regina had always wanted to try driving aimlessly. Just sweeping down the road without a care in the world, not knowing where you’ll end up. And it wouldn’t even matter: there was no real destination now. It was just her, Brianna, and the seemingly endless road ahead of them.

She was a little pissed because Brianna didn’t let her drive the car (’’no, Regina, you drive like an animal, this is my car and I’m gonna drive it!”). She even tried to slid into the driver’s seat when Brianna pumped gas into the tank, hoping that Brianna won’t banish her back into the passenger’s seat, but the pretentious asshole did.

She stopped sulking after Brianna bought her an ice-cream from the shop of the filling station.

Regina rolled the windows down to let some air inside. It was surprisingly warm for early March, but she certainly didn’t mind. She hated the cold, the grey sky and the world around her gettin dark at four in the afternoon, and she was eternally happy now that Spring decided to roll around earlier than usual.

She glanced to the side, watched as Brianna’s wild curls bounced around her head from the breeze, and she smiled. Brianna always reminded her of a noble deer somehow: so elegant, and looking almost frail, but she knew just how strong she was, in every sense of the way- able to fight off her own demons and also having fantastic physical stamina. Regina was constantly in awe of her.

She always felt like that maybe she didn’t deserve Brianna and her love. She was reckless with a bad temper, destroying drum kits and screaming until she was red in the face, then going out to get piss drunk and fucking a stranger. Brianna deserved better, so much better. Someone equally calm and gentle, someone that could give as much as she always did. Regina didn’t feel like she earned to be the person Brianna cared about the most.

Maybe she fell in love with Brianna after her audition for Smile, maybe she fell in love later, it didn’t really matter: time was always sort of a blur for her. The only thing she knew is that there was no one else in this whole wide world whom she loved as much as she loved Brianna. She was steady rock she could always count on, the one who always stood by her, even if she did something careless or stupid. Brianna was the perfect friend, and Regina knew she would be the perfect lover, but she didn’t deserve that. Especially not now, knocked up with a stranger’s baby and not knowing what the hell she wanted.

She placed a tentative hand on her stomach, sighing. She didn’t want this baby, she wanted to stay young and beautiful, wanted to play the drums and get King to rise to the top, wanted to bask in the fame and the money, be a rockstar, fuck everyone whom she fancied, partying all night and enjoying herself. She wanted it all.

But there was a strange, stupid feeling nagging at her. That part that quietly whispered what if? What if she could manage? What if could still play with them? Surely they wouldn’t kick her out, right? Freddie and Joan were her friends too. They would understand, wouldn’t they? Could she still make it to the top of the world while pregnant? And then what? Would she be able to take care of a baby? How would that work? Babies need a lot of care. Would she be able to get up in the middle of the night to tend to a crying child? To make sure they were always safe and warm and protected?

This baby deserved better too. Maybe it was just a tiny pea, not even a human yet, but Regina felt like they deserved better. They deserved two loving parents, not a single wreck like Regina was. Even if she somehow managed to continue with her career, the baby would never be happy with her. She didn’t deserve Brianna, and she didn’t deserve her baby either.

’’Now you’re the one who’s thinking too loud.” Brianna stated, glancing over at her. Regina looked back, trying for a neutral expression, but apparently failed, because Brianna’s eyes grew concerned.

’’Is something wrong?”

Regina scoffed, staring out through the windshield instead. What kind of question was that? Of course something was wrong. She was pregnant, she was scared, she was lonely. Everything was wrong.

’’I would be a terrible mother.” That was what she said instead, and the tears started spilling out before she could stop them. Brianna pulled aside and stopped the engine, turning to Regina.

’’This is not true.” Brianna said, reaching over to take her hand. Regina shook her head, letting out a shaky breath.

’’You would make a great mother, Regina…”

’’No, I wouldn’t!” Regina snapped, pushing her hand away. She was so exhausted of this, of being treated with much more care than she deserved. Brianna was wasting her time with her, and for what? For her to yell at her? God, she truly was a miserable human being.

’’You know I wouldn’t.” She continued, staring down at her lap. ’’I have no idea how to take care of a baby. They deserve a much better mother. They deserve loving parents, someone that could actually take care of them. I would just ruin their lives. I would be like my father.”

Brianna unbuckled her seatbelt so she could lean closer, cupping Regina’s cheeks, gently forcing her to look at her again.

’’Regina.” She started calmly, looking into those tear-filled eyes intently. ’’You could never be like your father. He was an abuser, okay? It’s totally different. You are not a coward like him, you are strong, and brave, and you could do anything you put your mind to. And if you’d decide you want to raise this kid after all, you could manage, like you always do.”

Regina sobbed helplessly, not caring at all how her tears soaked Brianna’s hand. She heard Brianna gently talk to her through the buzzing in her ears, but it was just a faint sound over her self-loathing.

’’I couldn’t do it.” She whimpered, hands clutching at her own thighs desperately, like she wanted to rip her own flesh out, like it would help.

’’I’m a terrible person, Brianna. I go out and get drunk to forget how fucking lonely I am, but that only makes me feel even lonelier. How could I take care of a kid, when I can’t even take care of myself?”

’’Then let me take care of you.” Brianna said softly, wiping her tears just like how she did about six hours prior in the morning.

’’I promised that I would help, no matter what you decide to do.”

’’It’s not worth it.” Regina croaked, ducking her head.

’’I don’t deserve your kindness, Brianna. I didn’t do anything to earn it.”

’’That’s not true.” Brianna said, voice a little firmer this time, trying to pull Regina out of her own head. ’’You were there for me when things were shitty. When I was feeling lost and miserable, you helped me. You always took care of me, Regina. Let me reciprocate now, let me take care of you for a change.”

Regina hiccuped with her sobs, feeling so, so exhausted and just plain wrong, like her body didn’t even belong to her anymore. This whole thing was a nightmare.

’’I don’t deserve it.” Regina snifled, pulling away. She shouldn’t be allowed to feel Brianna’s gentle hands on her face.

’’I sleep around with strangers, when there’s only one person that I love, but I don’t deserve her, and it’s all my fault, and I’m such a fucking coward and I rather go and get myself knocked up than admit that I love her!”

’’First, please stop slut-shaming yourself.” Brianna said, tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear.

Then, the rest of Regina’s words sunk in. She is in love with someone, but scared of admitting it. It’s a her. And Regina feels like she doesn’t deserve her love.

_I don’t deserve your kindness, Brianna. I didn’t do anything to earn it._

Brianna felt her heart strum inside her chest so hard she was afraid it would burst through her ribcage.

Could it be…? No, it couldn’t be. She didn’t deserve Regina, why would Regina love her, of all people? And how could she seriously think she wasn’t enough for Brianna?

’’Reg…” She started, cupping her cheek again, not letting her pull away this time. Regina looked at her, lips trembling as she let out a wounded little sound.

’’I love you.” She cried, entire body shaking. ’’I love you so much, and you’re wasting your time helping me. You deserve better. Both of you deserve better, I don’t even know what I want!”

She placed a hand on her stomach, her fingers trembling against it. Brianna looked down, then back. Then down again, and then back again. Both of you deserve better.

She was watching herself from outside, because she surely wasn’t inside her own body as she leaned in and pressed her lips against Regina’s, tasting the salt of her tears. Regina’s lips opened right away, hands flying up to tangle in Brianna’s curls, pulling her close, and just like in the morning, she wasn’t going to let her go. She couldn’t let her go. She clutched at her desperately, pulling her as close as possible, kissing her like she was drowning and Brianna was her only source of air. One of Brianna’s hand was cradling the back of her neck, the other resting on her belly, and Regina didn’t push her hand away at all.

They were both out of breath when they pulled away, panting and flushed. Brianna rested their foreheads together, letting out a little huff of air.

’’We’re such fucking idiots.” She chuckled wetly, her own tears finally spilling out.

’’We’ve been waiting for years…”

Regina snifled, but finally there was a little smile on her lips. She placed her on on top of Brianna’s over her stomach.

’’Maybe I want to keep it.” She said quietly, shuddering a little at her weak her own voice sounded. ’’Then what?”

Brianna cupped her chin and tilted her face upwards, kissing her again, more chaste this time, but still so soft, so warm and caring.

’’I would help, as I’ve been saying it since this morning.” Brianna chuckled, making Regina swat at her lightly, though there was no anger in it at all.

’’You would raise my baby with me?” Regina asked, looking up at her in disbelief. ’’How did we go from friends who couldn’t admit their feelings to each other to parents?”

Brianna laughed, kissing the tip of her nose. It was just as cute as she always imagined. Why did she wait for so long?

’’You know what, I’m not complaining. I’ve waited too long for you to keep pussyfooting around.”

’’No, you want to jump straight into dirty nappies.” Regina laughed, removing Brianna’s hand from her stomach to kiss her knuckles. Worry rose up within her again, and she bit her lip.

’’What about the band?”

’’We’re going to figure that out.” Brianna promised, carding her fingers through her hair gently.

’’Right know, I just want to keep kissing you. Is that okay?”

Regina pulled her in as a response, kissing her deeply, savoring each little movement of her lips and tongue against her own.

She would have lied if she said she wasn’t scared. Of course she was. But maybe, just maybe, things could get better.

For one, she wasn’t alone anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> Congratulations, if you got this far!! :D I know it was very long, thank you so much for reading it!!
> 
> I'm also on tumblr at bambirexwrites, where I take requests about fem!queen and fem!borhap, so feel free to drop by and send me something! :))


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